I just wanna sleep forever.

“Calm down. Go to sleep. Everything will be alright. You’re just stressing.”
These are the type of the texts that dart towards me every time I’m on the verge of ending my life. It’s definitely a miracle that I’m still sitting at a place writing about the severe stages and the times when, I almost took the most excruciating decision of going to sleep forever. It wasn’t my choice of falling a prey to depression or the least, Anxiety. I lost myself about a year ago. I had buried my soul deep into the soil, when some humans crushed it, tore it apart and dumped it. I died that particular day itself. Now, I’m just A zombie. Dead within, A walking dead.
Depression isn’t just a word or even anxiety, people aren’t enough aware about the depth of these most devastating diseases. It’s daft and dopey of people to have a perspective about someone just by observing their physical health. If someone is fit physically he/she is all well and good. But, hold on PEOPLE! Where does mental and emotional health goes? Burned? Nobody wonders how mental health of a person is most threatening or ill then just being physically fit. It’s terrible, horrible, devastating as a troubled mind urges a person to take their own lives. It’s far worse than acting young outside. There’s no discussion about it, anywhere around the globe. Concern is just revolving around petty issues having no relevance to this disease. Why isn’t our nation progressing? Ever focused? NO.
It shatters me terribly for no one cares about it, many have no clue, while some are just neglecting. WHY? All I’m slapped is with agonising silence. The most aghast part to it that even our parents have no idea as to how their children are dying inside. How those lethargic thoughts flow through their minds. I’m just one of them. The girl who ended up scribbling a suicide note few weeks back. I can’t substantiate any specific cause in front of someone for this fraught of mine. It creeped onto me, like sunlight, burning me to the core. It’s like I’m trapped and my hands and my feet are tied up and someone else is in control of my life. I’m just a puppet with hypothetical strings attached around my body and I’m being made to act the way those hands want me to. Something invisible crawling gradually on me. Few weeks back, I got so fed up of this meaningless life of mine That I took out a diary out of my cupboard and there I was sitting all blank and numb writing my note with eyes bleary with fray. After completing, my eyes fell onto a blade placed carefully near the corner of my desk. My eyes were just like those of an owl, all still, focused, analysing its effect on me. As if to get hold of it and step into the life I want. My feet all frozen. Metaphorically, I was just another person drowning, deep into the sea, like someone had tied my legs firmly with a rope down to a rock situated in the dark. Like someone had stolen my  means of communication, my language, my words and I was a dumb person pleading for help silently. Eventually, No one came to my rescue. No one heard my pleas, struggling to reach the shore. No one caught the glimpse of me conveying a message; to grab my hands and pull me out of that tremendously penetrating sea. All I received were some vague stares. I was an object Of attraction, placed between inhumanity. At last, I drowned and what people frowned on were those blurred photographs.
Here I am, Completely mum and tight lipped about my despair because no one really accentuates it. My secrets, reasons, buried inside the coffin locked up and thrown over shore, waiting for an actual creation of God to put an end to all of my sorrows. The suicide note hasn’t been touched, it’s still kept folded and hidden in privacy from the world, from my parents. I sleep not for relief, but to close my eyes and never view the harsh world again. I just wanna sleep forever.
The only plausible reason, I always halt is due to the images of two most precious people, flashing before my eyes every second my minds run on the same track. I couldn’t step further, knowing accurately I’d break their hearts minutely. I couldn’t be an example of a flawless daughter they had imagined.
MY funeral after the heavenly abode will bring smiles to many faces,happiness into my lives, peace from my mistakes, silence after my destruction. I’m intrigued by pills, fans, blades, knifes, terraces etc. I find solace in the reverie of myself as a star , shining brightly, high above the sky, a star ironically my parents wished to see me as. At least, I could be one, mortally. Solemnly, I never expect a single being rushing towards me for assistance as it occurs out of sympathy, and I’m a bounded slave to it. I don’t crave for someone to feel sorry and pity for me. If there’s possibly and objectively, anything I expect from these humans is to peel me layer by layer and swim into this horrible life of mine to know the series of causes. The causes responsible for my depression. The cause an 18-year-old, wishes to stop her life. I’m not inspired by something or ain’t doing it out of attention as people like me are judged. We’re considered to be a commodity precisely, ‘acting’ to grab everyone’s attention, for some sake of trend. Around every corner in this world, there’s a person surviving with grave suffering. Deaths aren’t an issue of consideration any longer. It’s merely some figures. If I happen to be one in the queue, I’d only be regarded as an increase in those numbers. No permanent solution is in stock for us, to inspect it, for there’s no one to reach to its roots. Destroying and cutting the roots of a tree is simple, but planting one and looking after its growth isn’t work of an hour for it requires toil and sweat; which nobody spares a minute for.

Alas, I lose. Lose, for not bringing a change in the mindsets of people and their engagements. Lose, for not being able to create sufficient awareness about this perpetual disease. Lose, cause now dying isn’t even an option anymore ; It’s a decision.Bye-Bye.

“Wanted”

Why the need, only when deserted?

Why to speak, only when Isolated?

Why can’t the approach happen without any urgency?

I suppose, it’s the Lens, that needs a makeover, for they’ve been blurred with hypocrisy.

The fatigue-ness is looming from behind the glasses,

The rays enlarging to create a void,

The vacancy so profound, incapable of the filling,

It’s just a hallucination with figures emerging, assuring to feel the pain.

The entities are signs of wind,

Irregular in movements, untraceable in their paths,

Present for a while, whoosh! Lost high above the sky,

Hiding behind the frame of insecurities.

Was I ever wanted? Was the presence ever felt?

Was the smiles ever the reflection of my deeds?

Can’t the scenes playing inside my brain, stop teasing me?

For they’re far better than what’s happening in Reality.

Ain’t any discovery to dismiss this excruciating pain,

Penetrating with the growth of this wrath

Complaints have been buried inside the coffin,

Failing to substantiate a reasonable  cause.

Adventure is being astray leading to those unidentified roads,

Only the sun and the wind blowing off those sinister laughs

Initial path is bound to be fear-striken,

The road that’s far sighted is awaiting your welcome.

Indeed the way the play has been enacted,

I can’t put on a blame,

Who am I to barge with a sword hanging ’round my shoulders?

Just desperate to stop and view the results.

Never was I wanted or longed for, never was I missed,

In between, the world slapping me with ignorance,

Stranded alone with blankness, blindfolded with fake aims,

Hoping I could erase the memory and start afresh.

 

“The Lost one.”

Locked inside those dark baggy eyes, was once hidden a spark,

Brimming with a dream to conquer herself

Just when her head lied on her mumma’s lap,

She knew she wasn’t less than a star.

The relationship with the mirror was complimentary,

For the glow reflected the moonlight

Years later there she stood infront of the same reality,

On the contrary, the moonlight got buried beneath the clouds of agony.

Tears transfixed on those eyelashes, stomach curled up inside,

For life was all about laughters and hysterics

Now the rain has subsided, the smile’s momentary,

And the droplets all frozen, the joys oozing away slowly.

Self-love was the strength to grow, a key to be jovial,

The little selfless girl filled with full of hope

Now the darkness doesn’t scare the shit her out her anymore,

‘Cause the callousness darts her underneath this gloomy sea suffocating her head to toe.

Innumerable reasons to live, without any wants,

She was a callow unaware of this dark world

Now she’s stuck into an inevitable maze,

Searching for a single explanation to survive and not just dawdle.

The clock has sworn to spice up the pain,

The hands all at a turtle’s pace

Once it was a deer running ahead of the race,

Now a minute is hard to pass; isn’t any reason to be saved.

The body once so energetic, consisting of unique shades,

Rushing to bolt for the doors

Now it’s all so fragile,

The Burden’s beyond the limit, can’t even get the feet in contact with the floor.

Lost is this person, once so lively,

The nature was a soothing ointment

Although the rain still cheers her spirit up,

She’s aware the the dark clouds would fade and the rainbow’s would display, but not the girl who once believed in this play.

Escape.

The mountains, the forests, the crystal clear oceans,

Chanting my name in melodies

Searching for a soul embedded in a cage,

Craving to break the bars and set free.

Oh! the inexorable destiny,

I knew, was once under my hands

But now the heart’s all cold,

And there’s no way looking back.

Indeed, the wings wouldn’t judge me,

For they know how they’ve been fixed

Crippled fingers at work in secrecy,

There’s no possibility of stepping into the web, for no one has ever noticed.

The landscapes wouldn’t weep or even shed a tear,

Just ’cause there’s a life struggling to break the locks

To feel the breeze planting a kiss of recovery,

As there’s no sign of assistance, for all one believes is in the disguised applauds.

Look around, do you hear anyone whimper, or playing with actions?

Calling for a wake, calling to hold onto the hand

Maybe that’s the indication,

To drop the masks and pinch out the pain.

The chirping of the sparrows conveying a message,

Pleading for the breakthrough as this human behind these reservations

The blame’s on this yelling, so loud yet mum

Since the escape’s been planned but the boundaries are all under construction.

 

 

 

 

Diamond’s Birthday.

Abandoned by life, there I stood all secluded,

With beads of emotions gushing through my brain

Inspecting a corner to burst, for all was ended,

Neither did anyone bothered to read this pale face.

Unprecedented was this entry she made,

In this murky, shadowy world of mine

As if it was the missing peice I craved,

To complete the cryptic puzzle I made out of my life.

Illness was hailing, inescapable like destiny,

Needed some strength to rise

Oh, how magically she evoked the positivity,

For who knew she had just arrived.

Never have I ever hidden my face behind the mask,

As I walked besides her during those unrealistic moments

The laugh that awakened inside was all real,

It was just an adventure, engulfed with enjoyment.

She is the therapy, for me to recover,

To set free from this web of anxieties

Since the flow of tears haulted within her parameters,

For she knows how to end the sorrows and make her friend happy.

With a frowned temple I lied on my bed,

Criticising self for not being good enough

However she changed my mindset,

And effortlessly enlightened me without making a fuss.

Terrified of losing another one,

For people have been flowing out of my life like a flood

Don’t Have any brim of hope,

Cause it doesn’t take much to say goodbyes; just a second.

The person whose presence makes me forget the chaos,

Or the demons I fight with everyday

Atleast there is someone for this tag

Else, I was sulking with the vacancy I created running afar the race.

Consciously aware the sickness may not apart,

As its holding onto my roots

A day might happen when this zombie turns back to human,

Nevertheless I’ve found the Diamond, The rarest of all, with a class.